Why is golf so evil?

Would someone please tell me why golf and bowling are so evil? Both games are things a person can participate in for virtually their whole life, and most of us get better at them as the years go on. For 4 weeks I have fired rounds between 46 and 50. Not stellar , but not to bad for the course Im playing. The "tree" as I like to call it is Par 73 with the longest hole some 530 yards or so. Most of the back nine, you use your driver off the tee 3 times. The rest of the holes play by position rather than distance. Tree limbs hang over almost every fairway and you should NEVER be above the hole when putting. The greens are generally fast and probably the toughest in the county. I hardly ever 3 putt,seriously almost never. Still I manage to shoot high scores. I just dont get it. Its like my bowling game. I hardly ever hit 600 for a series, but I 'll bet 90% or more of my sets are 575 to 595. Golf and bowling give you just enough to keep you coming back, but not enough to feel like your really good at the game. League play this morning started bad with a 6 on a par 3. Then par (5), par (3), double bogey on #1 handicap hole (6),bogey (5). 25 strokes 5 holes in. I shot 53 today. YUCK. Lost my match by 3 lousy strokes. I shot par on # 8 also (easy hole, driver and a 9 iron to green), so you get what happened on the rest of the holes. Just enough to keep me interested. Oh well. Back to the practice tee. At least we got a good golf cart this week. I think the guy running the course thinks its funny to give the two fattest guys on the course the weakest golf cart. We threatened to kidnap his dog if he didnt wise up. Seems it worked .

Horrorscope!!..your guide to the stars!!!

Cancer jun22-jul22
Yes Cancer, you've had a great run. Face it summer baby, you're hot streak has been one that scribes and historians will recall as "Titanic". Thats why, now that the moon and stars travel into the slums that are Leo, its time to retreat into your home. Lock the doors, do not shave, bathe or change out of those nasty sweat pants for at least 3 weeks. By then, anything or anyone that threatens you shall be overcome by the raw uncut smell of ass and arm pits ruminating from your body. If your enemy persists..give them a great big "hug".


Leo jul23-aug22
Leo, lets face it. Your no "King" of the jungle. If fact, your the crap between the toes of a syphilitic Flamingo. But, all is not lost...fear not. Soon space aliens, or jews , will descend from the heavens and whisk you away for anal probe experiments and a prolonged series of upper GI tract flushes to determine your educatory level.(def.educatory; book learnin') When its all over, the space jews will drop you off and you can go about your vegetative business of drooling and crapping your diapers.


Aries mar21-apr19
Being the hard headed sumbitch you are, now is the time to chillax a bit. Stop already with the ranting and the splitting of hairs and remember, if you had never broken down and purchased that cargo van with nary a single window, you and your love slave commune would be naught but a wanking fantasy before you trudge off to the KFC for another day of the best customer service a minimum wage employee can offer. Always remember, you're a trailblazer and an abduction pioneer.


Aquarius jan20-feb18
Waterboy,what can I say. Your out of your elements. You need the warm,safe places that the breasts of your grandmother provided you as a child. What she never told you, that is until your 26th birthday, that breast feeding pretty much should end in infancy. Nana played a funny on you, and you must admit, it WAS awkward at your Senior prom...wasnt it? making out with your Grama...twisted, very twisted.


Pisces feb19-mar2o
Now ! For one night and one night only, at the amazing Jackson County Fair and Petunia festival its the Incredible FISHGIRL. Come one, come all and witness the spectacle! She walks like a gal, but drinks like a fish! Watch in awe as she swims about with out one breath of air! Only $17.00 for this once in a lifetime opportunity to see the Incredible FISHGIRL! Your an amazing freak of nature Pisces...dont go changin.......

Taurus apr20-may20
You can consider yourself one of the luckiest signs in the sky right now. If your whole chip stack was riding on a one outter, you'd suck out better than a Dyson. Enjoy it whilst it lasts SUPERDONK. Eventually, you will perish in Poker hell like all the other fools who dare defy me. Your limbs will be torn from your body by tow trucks and the ants will dine on your body, all except for your eyes. The eyes will stay open, and alert so you can witness your own pathetic end and cry tears that I shall use as sustenance. You suck. Out loud.


Scorpio oct22-nov21
Nifty color for your Horrorscope huh? The stars have revealed your guide to future success and it comes in the form of two words.....
MALE ENHANCEMENT.


Gemini may21-jun21
Outlook for next 3 months to 178 years...poor. After your gubment money check runs out, you will find yourself commonlaw deevorcicated and living as a mere shell of the mountain of white trash tornado fodder you once wuz. There is a bright side though. Jeremy Mayfield will not pass a drug screen ever with the odds running the same as Jeff Gordon being straight. Long live Junior and pass me the cheetohs.


Libra sep23-oct22
You've been a naughty girl haven't you? I saw you there...viewing porn on the computer, your mouth half open...a light sweat forming on your upper lip area. Shopping for accessories on eBay and sizing up the vinyl and rubber "Bad Girl" ball gag and spanking kit? You need to be punished,over and over and over. Naughty, naughty girl. SAFE WORD=QUIVER. After dinner, you will watch me shower, and dont you say ONE WORD....bad girl.


Virgo aug23-sep22
see Libra....you need a lesson taught to you as well.


Sagittarius nov22-dec21
Sagittarius, your the only sign with good news this month. The gastric by-pass you were considering will be approved and you can burst forth from your cage of hardened, gristle like death and emerge a beautiful butterfly..scratch that..a beautiful "I cant believe its not"Butterfly. Save wisely and after a year or two, you can have additional surgery to shed the skin suit you will be carrying around from your days as a small planet with a penchant for fried food. Fear not fatty, the whole world hasnt crucified the smokers enough yet, so there is still time for you. Remember, even retards can make fun of fat people. The only person a fatty can make fun of, is a FATTER person. So SMILE...gastric by pass can only kill you and thats got to be better than what your future holds for you right now.


Capricorn dec22-jan19
Capricorn, rest easy. The "man" has looked into your business enough to satisfy his needs for fresh meat. The tightness in your chest can slowly relent and your ass pucker can travel back to its rightful spot in your jeans instead of your shirt collar. Pay the man and move on. Life is to short to get gobbled up by stress. Go eat some comfort foods and spend some time with a higher power to give thanks for HIS goodness. Then mount up and start kickin' some ass again. Nuff said.

Taxes,hookers and beers.

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Taxes. Everyone pays em at one time or another I reckon. Can anyone think of anything that makes you tight in the chest like a letter from the I R S. Not to imply that everyone is a cheat or anything of that sort, but what if you overlooked something or got a bad tip or your Tax Preparation guy was free basing drain cleaner? That little trip could cost you some bucko's when the I R S gets around to locating your mistake..and believe me..they will find it. For instance; Dear Mr.Ellis .....our recent review of your 2006 tax return shows you owe $93.65 in back taxes. PLUS a small penalty of ... and interest amounting to ....for a total of $2238.90.Please pay immediately.Appropriately, they include the payment plan application. Most of us would rather fork over a kidney or a gallon of blood to these tax "vampire" agents of the man. "Please take my only child...he eats to much anyway...".That never works, besides they would probably train the brat to collect and audit. All kidding aside, you folks at the I R S have a tough job to do. Its rough having to earn your living by taking pennies away from the lower 98% of us who control less than 1% of the total wealth in the country. Karma is a wonderful thing, no?
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Hookers. Let me speak for a moment about hookers. These integral parts of society provide a beneficial service to the common man. Not only do they provide educational services, they also provide immediate stress relief, physical therapy, marriage counseling, they also stimulate the economy of the local areas they do business in. I know what your thinking, what about the moral implications..blah,blah,blah..whatever. I dont care. These people gotta eat to. The fact that they are disposable in the eyes of anyone who is a psychopath anyway, doesnt reflect on the satisfaction that random nameless sex with someone provides. Being happily married I havent partaken in hooker sex in some time now, but the fire still burns. Lets admit it folks, we all succumb to our base animal instincts some times, and hookers provide an outlet for such primal exercises. And another thing, what would I have to do on my yearly trips to the Milwaukee area if I didnt have hookers to stalk and harass and do incredibly unnatural things to. It just wouldnt be the same. What would a roadside trucker chapel be without a dead hooker stuffed under the trailers skirting? What, I ask you?
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Finally, beers. Beers are so deeply entwined in this world, a world without beer is like Punch without Judy. Abbott without Costello. Outdoor restrooms without flies. Trucker chapels without dead hookers. Beer varies in flavor, viscosity, color, ingredients and origin. Have you ever met someone who hasnt acquired the taste of good beer. They sip a drink and then their face all prunes up and the "bitter aftertaste" takes affect on their weak and pathetic palates. These people could find fault in anything. "I dont like beer", they say. "Your a thumb sucking bed wetter", I say. Lets get them a sippy cup full of apple juice and a saltine cracker, so they can manage to gain sustenance that wont offend their precious little mouth. Grow up. I will call these people "beer pussies" from this day forward. Far be it from me to judge, but Im gonna. these people make me sick. They have never enjoyed white beer, or dark beer, ale, light beer, fruity beer, wheat beer ( my personal fave) or any other of the MULTITUDE of beverages offered that make up what is beer. Let us all shun the beer pussy and cast them into volcanoes as offering to the gods, after which we shall all get sloppy drunk and recall days of tailgate past when so and so pulled the funniest digger, or the guy who was physically removed from Camp Randall for cascading beer puke down 16 rows of seats after 7 hours of beer pong, or the guy next to you who keeps nodding off during the best game of the season because he's near death from ethyl alcohol poisoning. Just take his popcorn, whistle for the ushers and keep on yelling "GO GREEN ", "GO WHITE". and for gods sake....never, ever, ever let the bastards get you down...ever.

Weekend Pics

For your viewing pleasure....weekend pics from around

Jackson County

Life in context..or..what matters, really..

An ant, doing ant stuff. We had a brief conversation, then he went off to go about his ant work.

Well here we are. July is upon us. Being born in the summer, this is my time. Iam peaking and all my rhythms are at full power. apology for little to no blogging, but between golf,poker,work (I use the term "work" to mean enough to say "i have a job" but not enough to hold off impending bankruptcy) my birthday, my sister visiting and just kicking ass in general, I havent put much down. My birthday and the 4th of July are all in the same week, and I used vacation time to take the week off, so I partied my ass off ALL WEEK. The photo below is the first time in probably 12 or 13 years that my family has gathered together and shared good times and a meal, so that photo is truly one of a kind.

And of course, Iam the center of the group (theory proven..the universe does revolve around me..hahahah). Jeni and her parents adopted me, so to speak, so they have a spot of honor in the family photo ( they are the folks in the back row).

The B-Day party was awkward a bit at times, but, after a half hour or so, everyone was laughing, sharing stories and eating all of my favorite summer foods. The menu included Hickory Hamburgers, watermelon, sweet corn, pasta salad, cole slaw, various relishes, deviled eggs, some VERY good pulled pork BBQ (courtesy of my wonderful sister/brother-n-law) and a big 39 chocolate and yellow cake. Lots of nice gifties as well including a tripod AND a mono pod for my camera, digital photography for dummies ( thats me ) CASH..one of my favorite things..a BRAND NEW lawn mower from my dad. Normally, most people wouldnt get excited over a lawn mower, but we're weird like that. ALSO....my lovely wife bought two tickets to see Judas Priest (my all time favorite metal band) along with a brand new JP T-shirt for the show. This will be the second time I have had the pleasure to see JP. Say what you want about 70's and 80's rock bands, but I dont care. They were good times, and I kicked butt then, just like I kick butt now. I just have A LOT MORE gray hair....thank you to my Employers for the stress needed to provide the excess gray..hope you all slide under a gas truck..but not really. Did I mention how my wonderful wife gave me the new Dave Mathews Band CD also. She's the best, and I dont deserve such a wonderful wife/partner or a wonderful family like I have. They all made my day very special and I got hugged and kissed all day..it was great. I have been on an incredible hot streak due to my summer birth status. I have won all my matches in my golf league over the last 4 weeks, winning by an average of 6 strokes ( ass kickings for all the duffers ), in 5 weeks I lead the Hold em Poker league by a good margin and have won 20 bucks short of 500.I have 4 of 5 final table appearances with two third place finishes, one total victory, one 8th place finish and the first week I was eliminated in 16th out of 40 ( no points). Things are good , except for the looming loss of my job. Just 12 years of my life and wasted college, no biggie. I refuse to worry about it to the point of chest pains. Ill just retrain/reeducate and start over...again.

More blogging from here on out. Its just about time to gear up for football season and my quest for Boccee fame and the ritual fall rights associated with MSU whuppin it up on some Big Ten foes.Peace, love and good times for all my friends.