Horrorscope!!..your guide to the stars!!!

Cancer jun22-jul22
Yes Cancer, you've had a great run. Face it summer baby, you're hot streak has been one that scribes and historians will recall as "Titanic". Thats why, now that the moon and stars travel into the slums that are Leo, its time to retreat into your home. Lock the doors, do not shave, bathe or change out of those nasty sweat pants for at least 3 weeks. By then, anything or anyone that threatens you shall be overcome by the raw uncut smell of ass and arm pits ruminating from your body. If your enemy persists..give them a great big "hug".


Leo jul23-aug22
Leo, lets face it. Your no "King" of the jungle. If fact, your the crap between the toes of a syphilitic Flamingo. But, all is not lost...fear not. Soon space aliens, or jews , will descend from the heavens and whisk you away for anal probe experiments and a prolonged series of upper GI tract flushes to determine your educatory level.(def.educatory; book learnin') When its all over, the space jews will drop you off and you can go about your vegetative business of drooling and crapping your diapers.


Aries mar21-apr19
Being the hard headed sumbitch you are, now is the time to chillax a bit. Stop already with the ranting and the splitting of hairs and remember, if you had never broken down and purchased that cargo van with nary a single window, you and your love slave commune would be naught but a wanking fantasy before you trudge off to the KFC for another day of the best customer service a minimum wage employee can offer. Always remember, you're a trailblazer and an abduction pioneer.


Aquarius jan20-feb18
Waterboy,what can I say. Your out of your elements. You need the warm,safe places that the breasts of your grandmother provided you as a child. What she never told you, that is until your 26th birthday, that breast feeding pretty much should end in infancy. Nana played a funny on you, and you must admit, it WAS awkward at your Senior prom...wasnt it? making out with your Grama...twisted, very twisted.


Pisces feb19-mar2o
Now ! For one night and one night only, at the amazing Jackson County Fair and Petunia festival its the Incredible FISHGIRL. Come one, come all and witness the spectacle! She walks like a gal, but drinks like a fish! Watch in awe as she swims about with out one breath of air! Only $17.00 for this once in a lifetime opportunity to see the Incredible FISHGIRL! Your an amazing freak of nature Pisces...dont go changin.......

Taurus apr20-may20
You can consider yourself one of the luckiest signs in the sky right now. If your whole chip stack was riding on a one outter, you'd suck out better than a Dyson. Enjoy it whilst it lasts SUPERDONK. Eventually, you will perish in Poker hell like all the other fools who dare defy me. Your limbs will be torn from your body by tow trucks and the ants will dine on your body, all except for your eyes. The eyes will stay open, and alert so you can witness your own pathetic end and cry tears that I shall use as sustenance. You suck. Out loud.


Scorpio oct22-nov21
Nifty color for your Horrorscope huh? The stars have revealed your guide to future success and it comes in the form of two words.....
MALE ENHANCEMENT.


Gemini may21-jun21
Outlook for next 3 months to 178 years...poor. After your gubment money check runs out, you will find yourself commonlaw deevorcicated and living as a mere shell of the mountain of white trash tornado fodder you once wuz. There is a bright side though. Jeremy Mayfield will not pass a drug screen ever with the odds running the same as Jeff Gordon being straight. Long live Junior and pass me the cheetohs.


Libra sep23-oct22
You've been a naughty girl haven't you? I saw you there...viewing porn on the computer, your mouth half open...a light sweat forming on your upper lip area. Shopping for accessories on eBay and sizing up the vinyl and rubber "Bad Girl" ball gag and spanking kit? You need to be punished,over and over and over. Naughty, naughty girl. SAFE WORD=QUIVER. After dinner, you will watch me shower, and dont you say ONE WORD....bad girl.


Virgo aug23-sep22
see Libra....you need a lesson taught to you as well.


Sagittarius nov22-dec21
Sagittarius, your the only sign with good news this month. The gastric by-pass you were considering will be approved and you can burst forth from your cage of hardened, gristle like death and emerge a beautiful butterfly..scratch that..a beautiful "I cant believe its not"Butterfly. Save wisely and after a year or two, you can have additional surgery to shed the skin suit you will be carrying around from your days as a small planet with a penchant for fried food. Fear not fatty, the whole world hasnt crucified the smokers enough yet, so there is still time for you. Remember, even retards can make fun of fat people. The only person a fatty can make fun of, is a FATTER person. So SMILE...gastric by pass can only kill you and thats got to be better than what your future holds for you right now.


Capricorn dec22-jan19
Capricorn, rest easy. The "man" has looked into your business enough to satisfy his needs for fresh meat. The tightness in your chest can slowly relent and your ass pucker can travel back to its rightful spot in your jeans instead of your shirt collar. Pay the man and move on. Life is to short to get gobbled up by stress. Go eat some comfort foods and spend some time with a higher power to give thanks for HIS goodness. Then mount up and start kickin' some ass again. Nuff said.